As a prelude to a more serious piece about ring nerves coming soon, here’s a lighthearted approach to the subject: The Top Ten Ways to Combat Ring Nerves:
1) As you enter the ring, slip your hand into the judge’s hand and mutter, “I’m scared.” Any judge worth his or her salt will offer you a calming moment to enjoy milk and cookies before requesting a complicated “down and back” ring pattern. If the judge is uncooperative, have the steward put an arm around your shoulders and walk you through the ring pattern. Draw a line on your palm as a “cheat sheet” reminder to help you remember how to execute a “down and back;”
2) Include a flask of Stoli vodka as part of the grooming tools you take into the ring. If you prefer to be more discreet, use a spray bottle (what do you think is in all those spray bottles that handlers carry?) When the moment comes for a calming spritz, even if in the middle of the individual examination, explain that it’s “medicinal” and that if you don’t moisten your teeth and gums that minute, your skin will erupt into pustules followed by projectile vomiting. No one will deny you;
3) Take your favorite childhood stuffed animal into the ring with you, the one that always comforted you from monsters under the bed (or in this case, from a person wearing a badge reading, “judge” who’s empowered to give you a five cent ribbon). Pretend it’s a toy for the dog and try not to get caught when viciously ripping the toy away from the bewildered dog and verbally lashing out that this is your BooBooBear, not his;
4) Slip your cell phone into your bait bag with your therapy standing by on “hold” to talk you through any anxiety, say, after your dog has been given Best of Opposite Sex to a dog of the same gender;
5) Think of other things while in the ring. As other dogs are being examined, think about, oh, a favorite movie like Titanic. Remember Rose’s lovely clothes, Jack’s efforts to teach her how to spit, and that nasty iceberg in the distance. Just as the judge approaches your dog, scream, “We’ve hit! May Day May Day May Day, We’re going down!” and run shrieking out of the ring. I promise, you’ll never remember having been nervous, and the judge (also the steward, other exhibitors and every spectator) will never forget you;
6) Eliminating reminders of your inner terror helps to remove the actual terror, so never let them see you sweat. One can do no better at sealing one’s “pits” against profuse perspiration than Varathane Polyeurothane Sealant – far more effective than Right Guard or Secret. You’ll never be seen with unsightly wet spots under your arms again, in large part because you’ll never be seen raising your arms again. Ever.
7) Total anonymity empowers even the most nervous among us. Punch two eye holes into a paper bag and enter the ring as the “unknown handler.” For complete discretion, make a bag for the dog’s head, too.
8) Learn your own stress points and carry acupuncture needles into the ring for stress relief. Insert as needed. Though you may resemble a hedgehog by the time ribbons are awarded, most everyone will concur that the 5″ needle protruding from your forehead is likely a distraction from the 8″ one sticking out of your eye;
9) Focus on distracting feats of physical dexterity when feeling anxiety about to overcome you. By all means, bring a clicker in the ring, but use your tongue to make it “clack.” Never mind that virtually everyone else in the ring is alarmed by your gnawing mouth gestures, you will be the calmest person in the ring. Also, the one entirely drenched in their own drool;
10) Primal scream therapy is highly effective at alleviating tension. When the judge asks for a triangle, reply, TO THAT CORNER?, and as you gait, talk to your dog to reassure him, too: “WHAT A REALLY GOOD JOB YOU’RE DOING! WHAT A GOOD DOG. HERE COMES THAT NASTY CORNER, NOT TOO FAST NOW – HERE WE GO. WELL DONE, BOY, IT’S TIME TO GO BACK TO THE JUDGE NOW.WET YOUR LIPS AND SMILE, BOY. “
Don’t thank me now.
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